Now, let me clarify, I am NOT talking about your run-of-the-mill jerk that never has any intention of being faithful to their spouse.
I am talking about the people that are passionately in love with their spouse, and have the absolute best of intentions. Then life decides to gut-punch them, and they let their guard down.
Honestly, I used to be very judgmental when I heard about someone cheating. I really didn't understand HOW someone could remain married to one person and then pursue or allow a relationship with someone else. Then, I really shocked myself when I realized a co-worker had a bit of a crush on me... and I liked it. I was 30, married for 9 years with 2 kids. The co-worker was younger than me and single. He started leaving little things on my desk before I got there, or spending a little too long in meetings. I didn't even notice for a while.
This guy wasn't as good looking, talented, or impressive as my husband. It was just so flattering because I felt so worn down and OLD!
What shocked me was that as soon as I noticed it, my first instinct was to not tell my husband about it. Honestly, I just kind of relished it for a day or two. When I finally put it together that I specifically did NOT want to tell Eric about it, I knew that I definitely should. Thankfully, Eric was super understanding. At that point, nothing had happened on my side. My affection and fidelity were still 100% with my husband. I told him the things that led me to believe that my co-worker had a crush and I told him when I realized it. I, then, told him it was flattering, but that I had no interest in the co-worker. He just said that since the compliment of the situation had caught my attention, he must not be doing his job to validate me as a woman, and that he was going to work on that. (He's so dreamy!)
The amazing thing about it, though, was that as soon as I told my husband, that flattering attention became completely UN-INTERESTING to me.
After that, I kind of realized how a person could get sucked into an inappropriate relationship before they even realized it. So, I wanted to share some of the things Eric and I do to help set our boundaries.
These are not rocket science, my ideas, OR new information. They are things that we have picked up from this seminar, that book, a pre-marital counseling session, a post-marital counseling session, etc.
1. If you find yourself flattered by someone who's not your spouse, TELL YOUR SPOUSE! This is a really big one, that COULD be kind of complicated. Here's what I mean by "flattered by." Remember when you first started dating someone? Remember how you thought about them while you were getting ready for a date? How you had butterflies, and wondered if they would notice or like your cologne/perfume? Or how you wondered if they would notice your [body part you are proud of] in that shirt?
THAT is what I am talking about. If you are thinking about someone else, like that, you are enjoying having their attention, and you NEED to tell your spouse.
It makes me super nervous to even write that advice, because if either person in the marriage is mean, or manipulative, doing this can send everything off the rails in a hurry. Please UNDERSTAND what I am actually saying. I am NOT saying to use this to manipulate your spouse into some desired action. This is NOT to create comparison, or a jealous dynamic in your marriage. DO NOT use this as justification to tell your spouse every time you notice that someone else is attractive or to be flat out mean. It is simply to shine a light on the situation, so that things are clear and open between you and your spouse.
Spouse, you CAN NOT get all freaky and jealous.
Ask any necessary questions to make sure you feel good about it, assess if there is a deficit in your attention to your spouse, make any necessary changes and then move on.
Ephesians 5:33 However, each one of you also must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband.
2. Have your spouse named in your phone/caller ID as a pet name. For example, my husband has always been "Eric The Hotty" in my phone. I never really thought about it until a co-worker noticed it one time when I stepped away from my desk, but left my phone. He mentioned it, in passing, later, and I realized that it sends a message that you have a good and fun relationship with your spouse. It will tend to deter advances, because no one wants to be rejected by a happily married person.
Song of Solomon 1:15 How beautiful you are my darling! Oh, how beautiful!... 16 How handsome you are, my beloved! Oh, how charming!...
3. NEVER NEVER NEVER NEVER discuss marital problems with a friend of the opposite sex.
When I say "marital problems," I mean yours OR theirs. NEVER.
Matthew 19:4-6 "Haven't you read," He replied, "that at the beginning the Creator 'made them male and female,' and said 'For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will be become one flesh'? So they are no longer two, but one flesh. Therefore what God has joined together, let no one separate."
4. Be aware of how you would look to an outsider and keep your spouse updated.
For example, if I have lunch with a gay, male coworker, I call/text Eric to let him know, beforehand. If Eric goes out to lunch with another guy and 2 girls, he calls/texts to let me know. That way, if someone else sees me/him out, and feels the need to "tell," there is not a moment of doubt.
I Thessalonians 5:22 Abstain from all appearance of evil.
5. Treat everyone of the opposite sex, as a PARENT or a SIBLING!
Since this post is specifically for married folks, I am totally fine with making that blanket statement.
I Timothy 5: 1-2 Do not rebuke an older man harshly, but exhort him as if he were your FATHER. Treat younger men as BROTHERS, older women as MOTHERS, and younger women as SISTERS, with absolute purity.
These "tips" may seem extreme, but you know... I just don't even care. I have an incredible marriage, and IT. IS. WORTH. IT. I am, absolutely, NOT an expert. I am NOT a counsellor. This is meant to be "preventative maintenance." If your marital problems are beyond this, DO NOT HESITATE to set an appointment with a good Christian Counsellor today. Happy Marriaging, everyone!
For information about preventing affairs, including emotional affairs, click here.
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